* Good crowd..good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now
but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.
* Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
* I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for 
the west!
* My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
* When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my 
father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..but he pulled through."
* My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
* My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a 
radio.
* Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every 
room.
* What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
* I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.
* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to 
my father. He said he wanted more proof!
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the 
electric chair.
* I went to a phreak show and they let me in for nothing.
* I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
* Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my 
parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't 
know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
* I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth 
floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."
* On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me.
* Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!
* Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
* When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.
* I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and 
a blind man was reading my face.
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.
* One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up 
my wife!
* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't 
drink from my glass!
* Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
* For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
* I met the  surgeon  general. He offered me a cigarette!
* This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom 
guys laughing at me.
* A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New 
York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York.I asked him.. "How am I 
supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we give you 21 
days."
* Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just 
nights.
* My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutly no good.
* They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him 
off too?
* At christmas time I sat on santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present 
he gave me!
* My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.
* Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch 
herself laugh.
* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an 
egg.
* I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why should I.. 
you never put out for me."
* I asked  her if she  enjoys a cigarette after sex.She said.."No.. one drag is 
enough."
* I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude..but I 
didn't see the mouse trap.
* A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. 
Nobody was home!
* A hooker once told me she had a headache.
* I went to message parlor. It was self service.
* My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
* If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd have no sex life at all.
* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.."Are you going 
to  hate  yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."
* She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.
* She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that...
* - She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a time." - Her 
bath tub has stretch marks. - Her belly button makes an echo. - She has her own 
postal code. - She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" bra. - She has a dress with a 
sign on the back saying.. "Caution wide  load." - Her clothes are made by Omar 
the tent maker. - When guys have sex with her they ask for directions. - One 
day I ran into her with my  car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I 
told her that I didn't think I had enough gas. - Her bikini is made out of two 
bed  bed sheets. - When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip. 
- Her mother ripped when she had her. - She uses a septic tank for a toilet.
* She was so ugly that...
* - She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put 
a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. - I bent down to pet 
her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. - I took her to a dog 
show and she won first prize. - They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. 
- I took her to the top of the  Empire State building and planes started to 
attack her. - She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight! - The last 
time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it. - She has a face 
like a saint. A saint bernard!
* I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The 
bartender asked me.. "What'll you have?" I said.."surprise me." He showed me a 
naked picture of my wife.
* During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called 
me from a hotel.
* My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her 
boyfriend.
* One day..as I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to 
the guy.."Hey buddy..why are you doing  that for?" He said.. "Because you came 
home early."
* I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
* Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her.."The best woman a man ever had." 
The waiter joined me.
* Its been a rough day. I got up this morning..put on a shirt and a button fell 
off. I picked up my breifcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the 
bathroom!
* I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I don't know 
who to thank!
* My friends and I  played a new version of Russian  roulette. We passed around 
six girls and one of them had VD.
* I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I told him  
once..  "Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel 
like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said.."I don't know but your 
eyesight is perfect."
* I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a 
few drinks and get some rest.
* I told him I think my wife has VD. He  gave  himself  a  shot  of penicillin.
* I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown 
necktie.
* He found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms.
* Why every time he smokes..he blows onion rings.
* My physchiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. "If you don't mind I'd 
like a second opion. "He said.."Alright..you're ugly too."
* I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
* When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and 
said.. "Look...twins!"
* And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play 
with!

The Reich-Wing Republican Joke Page